Dusk came and with it a sense of loss. A certain and secure feeling that all was not well. Stillness preceded the telephone's shrill call and in that second my eye captured the stark cruelty of what was to come. "An accident," the stranger spoke the irreversible truth. Dusk and forever I would know the shade of light that extinguished his life. Now a decade later, as I prepare the evening meal, I have no need to consult the wall clock ticking the hours away. The early evening shadows are my time piece now and as the light fades so does my strength. I relive that moment at this time each evening and wonder what would have happened has dusk not fallen on that day.
I wrote this five years ago today as I contemplated another anniversary of loss. One of the things that I remember vividly from the day Craig was killed was the eerie palour of dusk - twilight! Each of us grieve quite differently but there is a pattern to grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining and finally Acceptance. I could tell what time it was without looking at the clock for several months after that day, as if time was ticking away inside of me - counting the seconds and at this time of year it's that moment of dusk that I find the hardest.
I always said that I could never bear the loss of a child - I bet you have too - but guess what - you don't get a choice! That night the sun went down and when it arose, I faced a world without my son in it and I had no choice but to breathe and count the seconds ticking away. Learning to accept - learning to live with a piece of glass in my heart. What I hated most was the sympathetic look in people's eyes when they encountered me. I had never been an object of pity and it didn't sit well with me. Three months later - I made a conscious decision to LIVE again..... and so I have. Making that decision was the easy part - the LIVING has been the hard part! I have thought of him everyday and today will be no different.
Now, fifteen years on, I can remember my son with love, laugh at his mischief and know that wherever he is the is the centre of attention and much loved. Those of you who knew and loved him will also remember him..... and that is all I ask ..... that he is not forgotten.
"And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on."