Saturday, November 12, 2011

Pregnant Pauses!

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry recently when one of my learners asked whether I wanted a boy or a girl! I was very flattered that she thought I was young enough to have a baby (I am WAY past that age) and at the same time mortified that my girth gave people the impression that I was five months pregnant! Of course I sucked in what I could of my stomach, made a mental note to correct my posture and laughed - What else can you do?
It reminded me of a 40th birthday party I went to at a particularly splendid venue and looking around and admiring the decor I remarked to the stranger sat next to me that I must remember this venue when it was my 40th - I was almost 45 at the time. She sloshed her wine around her glass - looked me straight in the eye and said, "So you believe in reincarnation do you?" Bitch! I thought but I laughed gaily and glowered at her all night!
Winston Churchill was the master of insults and even greater at responding to them as he did when Lady Astor remarked to him, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." Churchill replied, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." and once Bessie Braddock (yes this is a real name) said to him, “Sir, you are drunk.”  and his response was, “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”  It must have been wonderful to have the ability to send those barbed words straight back to the offender.
I am proud to say that I managed it once. I worked with a particularly lovely lady who knew exactly how attractive she was a milked it for all she could. How she got the job she was paid to do I will never know - not a dumb blonde but a very stupid and vain brunette! We were comparing Christmas gifts and I remarked that my husband had bought me the perfume I was wearing - she took my wrist, sniffed and said it was very nice but she wouldn't wear it - it wouldn't suit her."Just as well," I said, "because you certainly couldn't afford it!" I have to admit I felt very smug for several days! I suppose my sister did too when she said announced that, "there are no wrinkles on a balloon." when someone complimented my on my youthful complexion. I had to admire her quick wittedness. Here are a few clever insults.....

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Anon
A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits. -- Edith Sitwell
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Winston Churchill
Don't be so humble, you're not that great. -- Golda Meir
Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. -- Al Capp
Always willing to lend a helping hand to the one above him. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald (about Ernest Hemingway)
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. -- Groucho Marx
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. -- Oscar Levant
He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms. -- Mamie Van Doren (about Warren Beatty)
He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth. -- Ann Richards (about George Bush)
He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner. -- Johnny Carson (about Chevy Chase)
He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser. -- George C. Scott
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -- Winston Churchill

...........................     I'll leave Winston to have the last word - He usually did!

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