Thursday, March 6, 2014

SH** Happens!!!!!

I thought I would share with you an interesting topic of discussion from Book Club the other night. We are a group of over 50s - some happily married and others happily single having experienced the pleasures of dating in later life.  Its hard enough to meet someone in that age bracket but a meeting of minds will unfortunately lead to shared space where two bodies will have to navigate the physical side of a relationship - and I am not talking about the bedroom here but the bathroom!
 I confessed that since I had met V I had become a master of control - this is the windy city after all but I have never considered myself a windy sort of person. I surmised that it's like running out of tea or coffee - as soon as you know there is none in the house you just want some. Its the same with wind - the situations where you know that you just cannot 'let off' become a desperate battle of control. Yes - I have learned to pass wind through my ears with the only tell tale sign is a gentle blowing back of my hair and providing I eat enough Turkish Delight  - a gentle rose scented waft. It was quite challenging to perfect but I feel confident enough now to practice in public.
The bathroom proved a greater challenge. At home its not difficult at all - I have an en-suite which is mine - ALL MINE and two other bathrooms to escape into. However the problems start when you go for romantic weekends away and there is only one bathroom. Number ones are a doddle but number twos are a nightmare of planning. Taps are turned on - showers run and little bottles of essential oils become really essential if one is to maintain the English rose reputation. I was managing pretty well until the trip to Graaf Rienet. We awoke to clanging pipes and a dry shower head. V was summoned to bring male expertise to the situation and when the water still didn't flow, he went to find out what the problem was and was told that they were draining the reservoir. Thankfully I was prepared with a hand-bagful of wipes. Dating over 50 requires that you carry moist wipes for every bit of your anatomy and I was so glad that I had heeded this advice. V washed with what bottled water we had and was ready for breakfast. "I'll be there just now - when I have got my hair right." Anxious for coffee - he went ahead and I spied my chance and headed to the bathroom  for a much needed number 2 - Great!!! Until I went to flush the toilet - I had forgotten that it needed water!!!!! No water!!!! A whole loo roll was torn and wrapped and placed on top of the evidence and generously sprayed with half a bottle of Issey Miyake perfume. A prayer of thanks was offered for Issey Miyake! The toilet seat was placed firmly down - if I had had nails and a hammer it would have been permanently sealed. Every window was flung open and I left for breakfast with the bathroom door closed behind me and my bags packed for a quick getaway.
Breakfast was lovely - and our hosts chatty and friendly.We made light of the fact that we really were having a 'dirty' weekend away! Just as we were sipping the last of our tea they announced that they had heard that the water was back on. V took this as his cue to get going and strode purposefully towards our room, unlocked the door and horror of horror walked towards the bathroom. "STOP" I commanded in such a loud fashion and not at all like an English rose - he looked at me startled. "What's the matter?" he inquired. "There is something that I have to tell  you," I cringed and confessed my crime. I had not just spent a penny but a shilling! He laughed at me................!

This story was topped by a book club member who knows a friend of a friend who stayed over for the first time at a new lover's apartment. She liked him, she really really liked him and the evening went fabulously well . He had to leave early for work so he invited her to take her time, shower and just close the door behind her - he would call her soon - very soon! She languished in a bubble bath and then used the toilet. When flushing it she found to her horror that it floated - no matter how many times she flushed - just one little bit would not flush away. Apparently a lack of fibre in the diet is the cause of this. What to do???? Can't leave it here - I really like him! So for that reason - it was fished out and wrapped and wrapped in loo paper to make a neat little parcel. Clever girl to take it home with her! Ready for off and on her way out she stopped to leave a note of thanks, a reminder for him to call her as she had had a really lovely evening. She picked up her bag and walked out - closing the door behind her and then stopped in her tracks when realising what she had left behind - in a neat little parcel next to the note!!!  We thought this was hilarious - but I know that the person involved will die a thousand deaths every time she recalls that door closing behind her. He never called her - I think she's relieved that he didn't!

So I suppose that sums up our choices. Eat fibre and learn to pass wind through your ears or risk having to make little parcels to take away. A catch 22 situations if ever there was one! There is a lot to be said for a single life. Dating after the age of fifty is only for the fearless!

PS. I arrived home from book club to a message to phone V. "Hmm - I have found your dentures," he informed me sounding a tad confused and bemused. "My DENTURES!" Yikes....He had been on a little treasure hunt looking for sweets and came across an interesting packet - he opened it to find my tooth bleaching trays smiling back at him on the molds provided for them so that they keep their shape. I laughed - I smiled - showing my pearly whites - All my own of course...for now!!

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