Sunday, February 1, 2015

Whole hearted

Its nearly 7pm on a Sunday evening and I am in Bloemfontein here at Abiento enjoying an afternoon of R&R in a B&B.  Just when V and I get our act together and take time out so that I don't have to do the journey from Natal to PE alone, fate intervenes - well food poisoning or some horrid bug - and V had to fly back alone and leave me to recover and again I am en route solo. Very sensibly this time - I have coeme via Bloem!

I must say that the Free State is really beautiful and so is driving through the Karoo enjoying vast open spaces and wide open skies. A feast for the camera and if we had been together I am sure I would still have been taking photographs on the way (I limited my stops to garages as instructed while praying that the sky would be just as awesome next time I drive this road with my bodyguard).
Long journeys on straight flat roads also give you time to think and I thought how far I have come literally in two years! Two years ago today I was in church distraught at the thought of a life without my beloved - the future unthinkable and forty two years ago tomorrow 2 February 1995, I gave birth to the most perfect baby boy - beautiful beyond belief and unknown to us, destined to only spend twenty two years with us. I have survived both of these tragedies and today I reflected on that long road to Bloem, Where I would be and who I would be if neither of them had come into my life?
Interesting question and I am not the first to ask it "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson in 1850 penned as a memorial to Arthur Henry Hallam and I am sure he was not the first to ponder this question,
 I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
So that was my reflection and unbelievably Cat Stevens came on the radio singing Father and Son  - truly a message that they have gone ahead but are with me on the road. My answer to that question was a resounding YES - even though grief is painful, it is the price we pay for love and to love madly, freely and deeply you have to risk loss. The alternative is to build a strong wall around your heart and live a life anaesthetised, bitter and what a tragedy that would be.
A thoughtless comment this week that I heard in response to hearing that someone had lost a child was, "At least they have other children." How can anyone think that you divide your heart up into sections like a cake and award it to those you love? Parents love all their children 100% it doesn't matter how many you have the pain is as deep as if you lost your everything.

Anyway I am here half way to my destination and not sure what tomorrow's drive (or reflection) will bring, but I know that everyone's journey is different - we are all here to learn lessons unique to us. Whatever the road may hold with its twists and turns, valleys and peaks, I know without a doubt that I will not only survive - I will thrive.......because I have faith, I am loved, and I love whole heartedly.

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